Roughly two months ago, I was working 3 part-time jobs online at night and, by day, was the primary caregiver for my autistic child. Now, I do that, plus "earning" the position as the primary caregiver for my elderly mother who has dementia, the doctors have just discovered my husband has a heart condition, my dog has died, and I'm still trying to continue a 20 year pursuit of success in professional fiction. All this at 33.

It is overwhelming and completely disheartening. By nature, a caregiver is supposed to nurture and care. We're supposed to provide a positive environment that promotes healing and support. Come hell or high water, I fully intend to maintain this practice. A snag to this theory is that, being a caregiver, it is a 24/7 position with no breaks, sitter services, and little help of any kind.

Caring for 3 people at this level also creates much negativity on the inside. Thankfully, there are many resources online for information on caregiving. While you carry the world on your shoulders, no one it seems can do anything to share the burden, or to carry you. It's difficult and isolative. Instead of holding all of it in, I'm going to keep a written diary of it. I think writing is the most therapeutic method of coping with stress. Perhaps I am biased, but I love writing. It's just a way of acknowledging what is going on internally for a sense of validation without worrying or causing any pain to those around me. No one can help the way things are.

It is my hope that this journal will also help other caregivers or other people in general. This will be a safe and anonymous place to vent, rant, rage, rave, complain, whine, and all else, without impacting those around me. Caregivers often suffer feelings of dislike, resentment, loneliness, and lots of guilt for those perfectly natural feelings.

The name of this blog is "Cowgirl Up." Basically, you have to do it because no one else will do it for you. You suck it up and move on. I don't know if I will be able to regularly update, but I will do my best to post as often as possible. There is no pity, no support groups, no 12-step programs (like caregivers can attend anything, anyways), or anything else. I know I am not alone. There is bound to be many others in similar circumstances. So, feel free to join in ranting and raving.

Song titles are used for each entry, partly because I adore music, and partly because that's what I'm listening to or thinking of when I'm writing.

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